Lisboa

This is the cloister of the Sé, the Cathedral of Lisbon.



I'm back home, resting from my one week vecation in Lisbon. I had a blast and everything would have been perfect if the Lisboetas weren't reptilian humanoids trying to commit saricide. Seriously guys, if you want to join Spain (28% of Portuguese think that merging with Spain is a good idea), you have to treat Spanish tourists better than that. I would totally understand if people who know me wanted to kill me, but complete strangers?

I was spit at in Mafra, almost driven over by a scooter redesigned as ice-cream cart and stuffed nearly to death on sardines and bacalao... Eh, that last one might have been my fault.

I also fell down the stairs of a tower in Sintra, but that could have been because of the slippery steps (however, I'm still investigating the RH hipothesis in that one too). Thankfully, I didn't twist anything or hit anything too hard.

Oh well, saricide attepts figure in the job description.



A nice view over the Tejo.


I think this one was taken in Alfama



And a street in Baixa.

Reptilian Humanoids-- true stories

Today's true stories are brought to you by the Reptilian Humanoid Conspiracy to Rule the World and Everything.

Once upon a time, there was a cook in a university cafe. Nobody knew he was a Reptilian Humanoid, and he did his best to keep it quiet. His momma had told him when he was a very wriggly young thing NEVER to break cover, but his Momma never counted on her son's very reptilian attitude towards burgers.

This kitchen, as all University kitchens in Spain, is cleaned only when the health inspector threatens to call some-one's Mommy and tell her about the porn stash under the greasy faucet. Hydrogenated cooking oil has some properties that few people (except for McDo employees) know about. If left on the ceiling or floor for a sufficient number of days (3 or 4 thousand), it turns into petrol. Yep, the undiscovered species of mutant bacteria that live in these kinds of kitchen, are capable of transubstantiating ordinary artery clogger into black gold. I know a few cooks who save money on gas that way.

Anyway, our little cook throws burgers at the pan so that his clients can see how cool he is. He misses once in a while, about once per throw, so that the burger ends up slowly sinking in the mire of oil-petrol half-and-half. Being a reptile with no sensibility towards human health, our little beast scoops up the burger and chucks it in the general direction of the pan. The burger misses by a couple of metres and slowly floats back to the floor on the other side of the pan (burgers float in oil and since the kitchen lacks ventilation, you can just assume that almost 75% of the air is actually artery-clogger. Thus the slowly floating motion of the burger). Unfazed by his repeated failure, the reptile scoops up the burger and chucks it at the pan, missing again. And again. And again.

I don't want to do it. I usually don't kill reptiles anywhere near my University bc a significant concentration of dead greens would eventually tip off the other scalies. But when Mr Yuk places my well lathered hamburger in front of me, I take out my katana and add green goo to the bubbling, mutating mess on the floor.

REPTILIAN HUMANOID SEX ED

Things every girl over 15 should know.

Reptiles lay eggs. Male reptiles also lay eggs, but only in the privacy of their own homes where they can't be spotted by the determined Reptilian Humanoid zoologist, and they never admit to it in public, not even when threatened with dismemberment.
But they do, oh, how they do.
RH eggs vary in sizes and shapes. Because RH control the Government, the Industry, The World and, well, just about Everything, they can make their eggs look like common everyday objects. The smallest of reptilian eggs usually adheres to the leafs of things-- like lettuce. Don't worry about eating them-- anything that serves to cull the reptiles is a good thing.
The biggest RH eggs have sometimes been described as Minis. Human collaborators usually use them as means of transport, so if you see a Mini, don't hesitate to kill the humans inside. The Mini is a clear example of a vehicle conjured up in the wrong side of the sheets, a Machiavellian invention of ophidious cunning and a perfect incubator in disguise. Just look at the Mini web page. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you see this? Sleek, no? Well, "sleek" is clearly the mark of the reptile. Because it sounds like slick and that sounds like lick, and that sounds like gooey reptile saliva. So there.
Another thing teens should remember, is that RH have been known to hit on Human females. Why they do it, no one knows, but why does a dog lick his ass? (because it can). But remember, no matter how hot a Reptile looks, he only wants you to make eggs, or ride Minis. And you don't want that girl, do you?
So, here is a list of common RH flirts, in case any of you innocent little girls should come across a Reptilian Humanoid in disguise. All of these are 100% true and have happened to me or my Reptile Fighting Friends.
Remember, these are not just random things that came up in a conversation. These pearls were dropped by the frothing mouths of reptiles disguised as male humans who walked up to a girl (sometimes underage) and said this as their first pick-up line.
Next to each one, you will also find the correct response to avoid further trouble.

((Warning: not for fragile stomachs or children))

"Got a man?" Answer: Yes (and proceed to dismember)

"Want a man?" Answer: No (and proceed to dismember)

"How do you feel about oral sex?" Answer: flip the bird. If your religion forbids this, proceed directly to dismemberment.

"I like purple dresses" Answer: OK, this might not be from a RH. It could just be an incredibly stupid guy, but just in case. Dismember. If there's green blood all over the place, it was a Reptile. If not, Darwinism.


BTW: in case you were wondering: ophidious is something perfidious in which ophidians participate

Reptilian Humanoids- A History

People who read about my adrenalin packed encounters with the malevolent and devil-spawned species commonly known as Reptilian Humanoids, have often sent me emails saying thinks like:
"What exactly are these things".
Dear reader: I wish I knew.
You got it right however, when you called them things. These beings are not people so don't ever make the mistake of even thinking of them as people. That only makes you all mushy inside- it sissifies you and by the time you get your survival adrenalin back up, it may very well be too late.
So here are all the expository bits that I didn't manage to fit into my previous posts.
Reptilian Humanoids are the ringleaders of a conspiration to take over the World. They are coming towards our arms to slit the throats of our hubbies and children (or so a French reptile hunter told me). If you're one of those Gore pundits who thinks Humans have screwed up the World bad enough that maybe it's time for some hard Reptile loving, let me tell you that I track all hits on my blog- I know where you live and where you hold all your little traitorous meetings. Maybe you like their shinny scales
and I know that their slinkiness can be attractive. I understand. Sometimes temptation strikes. If you come out now as an RH collaborator and repent I promise I won't hurt you. But if you don't and I find you first...I will have no mercy on RH collaborators.
Ok, back to our business. The State of the World In General is not our fault anyway. It's all the fault of the Reptiles. Climate change? RH gasoline guzzling spaceships taking off and landing on our (ex)green planet. The Middle-East? RH importing guns, and building walls too. Cholera? RH pooping in our drinking water. The War in Irak? Bush thinking that American troops work in the same way as the Richter scale.
RH technology allows them to camouflage as just about any living thing, so every being is suspect. There are a few exceptions. RH rarely camouflage as people with disabilities-why would anyone choose to be blind if they can avoid it? For the same reason most older people should be cleared by the professional Reptile Hunter. Seriously ugly people too-give them a break, they've got enough on their hands already. However, if the suspect is blond and looks fabulous it will almost certainly be a RH. Blond and blue eyed is a dead giveaway, specially if she gives the phi beta fucka handshake. Come on! Don't act so shocked! We all knew all along that frat and sorority people weren't human. I'm only bringing the subject out to be discussed in the open.
A few exceptions on the blond-blue-eyed rule should be made for people living in Norway or Finland. There are no RH in these countries. Something about the climate... Our enemies are cold-blooded sissies.
Anyway: if you identify a RH it is your moral obligation to kill it on sight. Beware of their mouths: their bites aren't poisonous but they have sharp teeth and give all sort of infections. Human bites are bad enough, and you never know where an RH has put its mouth.

Tomorrow: how the Lady of the Cake gave me Sigil and what my persona does when she's off duty.

Loving Ms.Dewey

I met Ms.Dewey today and made the mistake of introducing her to my friends. Now all my Reptile Smashing Squad is in love with her and I can't get them to do any serious Reptile Hunting until I find a way to pry them away from Her influence.
Human female: "She's beautiful"
Human male: "She won't take her clothes off". He slinks off into the shadows in desperation.

How am I supposed to save the World with this gang?

PS: the human male I refered to hogged the computer for the rest of the day, compulsively tiping "undress" in case he could fool Ms.Dewey into complying. He even looked encouraged when she answered "You first".
Children, never do this. If I hadn't known the guy better I'd have suspected he was a RH.

Writer by day, Reptile Hunter whenever the mood swings

I don't believe in Reptilian Humanoids but my persona does. She hides this very blunt sword in my backpack when I'm not looking and unsheathes it at the most inappropriate moments. I do believe the reason this sword is blunt is because she misses so often and hits metro wagons and city utilities instead of Reptilian Humanoids, so that now it works more like a heavy bat than like a sharp edged sword.
I wake up in the mornings with bloody clothes and guts in my hair. There must be some way to stop her.

PS: this first appeared on Hatrack in a thread on Conspiracy Theories.
PSS: The sword's name is Sigil. Please refer to it as Ms. in any love letters you may be thinking of sending. Our Lady Of Asskick is also approapriate (for the sword, not for me, damnit!)

How to spot a Reptilian Humanoid next to a pregnant lady in the metro

Concerned humans everywhere have bombarded me with secret email asking, nay, begging me to continue these posts on the threat of Reptilian Humanoids everywhere. Some of these emails have been death threats, but I'm not scared, I'm taking it like the real woman that I am.
First of all, an example. This is a reenaction of something I saw in the metro today. Please read carefully, your survival is at stake.
Pregnant lady entered the train. Nobody got up to give her a seat (don't look at me, I was standing too). She leaned against the window and sighed pointedly (subliminal for: "get off your asses you jerks, can't you see I'm pregnant!")
Reptilian Humanoid disguised as a young male human shouted: "That's what you get for being a slut!"
Pregnant gal: "Well, in that case, so was your mother." (superliminal for, "screw you, you loony.")
I tried to make my way to the RH in order to dismember him and rip out his entrails before he had a chance to spawn, but the train stopped and the other passengers shoved him out the door. Idiots! When will they learn.
Sadly, nobody got up to let the Pregnant Gal sit.

Contrary to what Reptilian Humanoids would want you to believe, pregnant women are not evil. I'll grant you that they're scary, a constant reminder of what can happen to Reptile Squishers everywhere if we aren't careful, but they're good for society for so many reasons.
There are several reasons why it's a good idea to let a Pregnant Woman have your seat in the metro.
1) It's polite, and it's a fast way of letting everyone know you care ie, you are not a Reptilian Humanoid in disguise.
2) It can be a good way to strike up a conversation. Taking a Pregnant Woman out to dinner might be the only way to stop your friends from going around saying you're a virgin. This works specially well if you're a human male. It might also work if you are a female gyn, but then you don't score any ex-virginity points so there's really not much point in trying.
3) Everyone knows a Pregnant Woman can unload at any given moment. A 8 or 9 month Pregnant Woman is a bomb waiting to explode. The floor of the metro is hard: do you really want baby brains splattered all over your vintage shoes. I don't think so.
Think about it, there are no exit signs in the womb. If the Pregnant Woman is sitting down, the baby won't be able to see its way out and will hopefully stay put until you have a change to get off the train.

How to spot a Reptilian Humanoid in casual conversation

Reptilian Humanoids are bad. They don't care about anything mammals care about, but they pretend they do so that they can pass as mammals on conquer the Known Universe.
This is a snipped of conversation that gave this particular Reptilian Humanoid away. I'm offering it as a warning to other humans having trouble with RH.

Reptilian Humanoid: "I used to have a very cool cat who could beat up all the neighbourhood dogs" (notice the RH trying to appear mammalian by spouting whoppers so big they'd make Krusty Burger ashamed of itself)
Human: "Wow, your cat had some balls" (notice the oblivious Human randomly agreeing to anything previously said.)
RH: "not really, he was castrated."
Human: "Oh, no, what I meant is that your cat had well placed balls." Human holds his hands into fists around imaginary testicles and holds them over his own genitals to emphasize the point.
RH: "impossible, my cats balls are probably pickled in formol somewhere."
Humans together: "eeew".
RH: "what? What did I say?"

She looked bewildered and didn't really understand what she did wrong until we killed her. She said she was a writer exploring the naivete of one of her characters. She even claimed she was reinventing cringe humour with a literary bent and she went as far as to say that all that weird stuff on her skin was only psoriasis, not reptilian scales.
Yeah right, like any human would know what that means. What really bothers me about this little episode is that I still haven't managed to get all that green goo out of my hair. Bludgeoning is dirty business. Those Reptilian Humanoids are clingy even after they're dead.