jueves, 21 de diciembre de 2006

Reptilian Humanoids- A History

People who read about my adrenalin packed encounters with the malevolent and devil-spawned species commonly known as Reptilian Humanoids, have often sent me emails saying thinks like:
"What exactly are these things".
Dear reader: I wish I knew.
You got it right however, when you called them things. These beings are not people so don't ever make the mistake of even thinking of them as people. That only makes you all mushy inside- it sissifies you and by the time you get your survival adrenalin back up, it may very well be too late.
So here are all the expository bits that I didn't manage to fit into my previous posts.
Reptilian Humanoids are the ringleaders of a conspiration to take over the World. They are coming towards our arms to slit the throats of our hubbies and children (or so a French reptile hunter told me). If you're one of those Gore pundits who thinks Humans have screwed up the World bad enough that maybe it's time for some hard Reptile loving, let me tell you that I track all hits on my blog- I know where you live and where you hold all your little traitorous meetings. Maybe you like their shinny scales
and I know that their slinkiness can be attractive. I understand. Sometimes temptation strikes. If you come out now as an RH collaborator and repent I promise I won't hurt you. But if you don't and I find you first...I will have no mercy on RH collaborators.
Ok, back to our business. The State of the World In General is not our fault anyway. It's all the fault of the Reptiles. Climate change? RH gasoline guzzling spaceships taking off and landing on our (ex)green planet. The Middle-East? RH importing guns, and building walls too. Cholera? RH pooping in our drinking water. The War in Irak? Bush thinking that American troops work in the same way as the Richter scale.
RH technology allows them to camouflage as just about any living thing, so every being is suspect. There are a few exceptions. RH rarely camouflage as people with disabilities-why would anyone choose to be blind if they can avoid it? For the same reason most older people should be cleared by the professional Reptile Hunter. Seriously ugly people too-give them a break, they've got enough on their hands already. However, if the suspect is blond and looks fabulous it will almost certainly be a RH. Blond and blue eyed is a dead giveaway, specially if she gives the phi beta fucka handshake. Come on! Don't act so shocked! We all knew all along that frat and sorority people weren't human. I'm only bringing the subject out to be discussed in the open.
A few exceptions on the blond-blue-eyed rule should be made for people living in Norway or Finland. There are no RH in these countries. Something about the climate... Our enemies are cold-blooded sissies.
Anyway: if you identify a RH it is your moral obligation to kill it on sight. Beware of their mouths: their bites aren't poisonous but they have sharp teeth and give all sort of infections. Human bites are bad enough, and you never know where an RH has put its mouth.

Tomorrow: how the Lady of the Cake gave me Sigil and what my persona does when she's off duty.

viernes, 8 de diciembre de 2006

Loving Ms.Dewey

I met Ms.Dewey today and made the mistake of introducing her to my friends. Now all my Reptile Smashing Squad is in love with her and I can't get them to do any serious Reptile Hunting until I find a way to pry them away from Her influence.
Human female: "She's beautiful"
Human male: "She won't take her clothes off". He slinks off into the shadows in desperation.

How am I supposed to save the World with this gang?

PS: the human male I refered to hogged the computer for the rest of the day, compulsively tiping "undress" in case he could fool Ms.Dewey into complying. He even looked encouraged when she answered "You first".
Children, never do this. If I hadn't known the guy better I'd have suspected he was a RH.

jueves, 7 de diciembre de 2006

Writer by day, Reptile Hunter whenever the mood swings

I don't believe in Reptilian Humanoids but my persona does. She hides this very blunt sword in my backpack when I'm not looking and unsheathes it at the most inappropriate moments. I do believe the reason this sword is blunt is because she misses so often and hits metro wagons and city utilities instead of Reptilian Humanoids, so that now it works more like a heavy bat than like a sharp edged sword.
I wake up in the mornings with bloody clothes and guts in my hair. There must be some way to stop her.

PS: this first appeared on Hatrack in a thread on Conspiracy Theories.
PSS: The sword's name is Sigil. Please refer to it as Ms. in any love letters you may be thinking of sending. Our Lady Of Asskick is also approapriate (for the sword, not for me, damnit!)

sábado, 2 de diciembre de 2006

Acceptance! "Pretty Little Thing" to Helix

Helix wants "Pretty Little Thing".

It's nice to know that in this reptile ridden world, nice things can still happen that don't involve dismemberment of green individuals.

viernes, 1 de diciembre de 2006

How to spot a Reptilian Humanoid next to a pregnant lady in the metro

Concerned humans everywhere have bombarded me with secret email asking, nay, begging me to continue these posts on the threat of Reptilian Humanoids everywhere. Some of these emails have been death threats, but I'm not scared, I'm taking it like the real woman that I am.
First of all, an example. This is a reenaction of something I saw in the metro today. Please read carefully, your survival is at stake.
Pregnant lady entered the train. Nobody got up to give her a seat (don't look at me, I was standing too). She leaned against the window and sighed pointedly (subliminal for: "get off your asses you jerks, can't you see I'm pregnant!")
Reptilian Humanoid disguised as a young male human shouted: "That's what you get for being a slut!"
Pregnant gal: "Well, in that case, so was your mother." (superliminal for, "screw you, you loony.")
I tried to make my way to the RH in order to dismember him and rip out his entrails before he had a chance to spawn, but the train stopped and the other passengers shoved him out the door. Idiots! When will they learn.
Sadly, nobody got up to let the Pregnant Gal sit.

Contrary to what Reptilian Humanoids would want you to believe, pregnant women are not evil. I'll grant you that they're scary, a constant reminder of what can happen to Reptile Squishers everywhere if we aren't careful, but they're good for society for so many reasons.
There are several reasons why it's a good idea to let a Pregnant Woman have your seat in the metro.
1) It's polite, and it's a fast way of letting everyone know you care ie, you are not a Reptilian Humanoid in disguise.
2) It can be a good way to strike up a conversation. Taking a Pregnant Woman out to dinner might be the only way to stop your friends from going around saying you're a virgin. This works specially well if you're a human male. It might also work if you are a female gyn, but then you don't score any ex-virginity points so there's really not much point in trying.
3) Everyone knows a Pregnant Woman can unload at any given moment. A 8 or 9 month Pregnant Woman is a bomb waiting to explode. The floor of the metro is hard: do you really want baby brains splattered all over your vintage shoes. I don't think so.
Think about it, there are no exit signs in the womb. If the Pregnant Woman is sitting down, the baby won't be able to see its way out and will hopefully stay put until you have a change to get off the train.