jueves, 15 de marzo de 2007

Once upon a time in Pozuelo

Once upon a time there was Hell. Hell was where bad people went when they died. The stink of bad karma that had first seduced Lucifer soon attracted Greek demagogues, Persian mutilators, Huns and Gomorrhans to live unhappily ever after under the same roof. The Devil ruled them all and It Was Good.
Over time, lawyers and politicians took the place of the demagogues, and plastic surgeons replaced the mutilators. The Devil kept Offender Percentage Stats to keep track of how the Hell changed over time (If you're familiar with statistical analysis you must know that any stats the devil keeps amount to half a chicken. Hell was an awful place, and It Was Good.
Then came the bad drivers and It Was Not So Good anymore. The Devil found it funny the first time he was run over by hit-and-run driver, but after a regimen of three hits per day for a month, he decided the drivers had to go.
That's when the idea of Pozuelo, a suburb of Madrid, popped into his head. For you see, the Devil has always been fond of Gymkhanas but building them in Hell would have been anti-ecological (and everyone knows that even the Devil tries to keep his backyard clean and if doing so implies dumping his waste in a Third World country, so much the better)
So, he build Pozuelo following the architectural aspirations of Nero's Interior Designer and placed that plan over a 13th century reconstruction of Paris. The result was a nice jumble of things. The Devil sat back, sipped his cognac and sucked--ahh-- through his teeth. Pozuelo had that medieval touch that made him so reminisce of the Inquisition while keeping the general wastefulness baroque and Nero-tic. Most streets didn't go anywhere and the roundabouts were impossible to get in and out of.
The Devil pronounced it "Good" (or bad, depending on POV), filled Pozuelo with bad drivers and since it was the Seventh Day and he'd always been a copycat, lay down for a good week's sleep.
When the Devil woke up, he realized he had made a huge mistake.
Pozuelo was even more Hellish than he remembered (but that was Good). No, the problem was that all those bad drivers had created an economic niche for Gas Stations and Hospitals, and Pozuelo was now blooming in a very black gold rush. Still, the Devil would have liked that result if it had stayed at that. The problem was that double, nay triple parked vans blocked every access road to Pozuelo, the main highway was a dead end, and pedestrians jumped out on the road from behind the quintuple parked vehicles. As a result, the Devil couldn't even get to Pozuelo to evaluate the global Evilness of his Deed, and he knew that if he couldn't prove to Saint Peter with number exactly how bad he'd been, he wouldn't get coal from the Three Kings in Christmas.
"Oh well," sighed the Devil. "Maybe it's better this way." The Devil was Big Fat Evil, but he was not stupid, and he didn't relish the idea of going to Pozuelo, even to celebrate a victory.

Note 1: statistics is the science that says that if I ate a whole chicken and you starved, we both ate half a chicken. Obviously, the Devil loves statistics.
Note 2: Spanish kids get gifts from the Three Kings intead of Santa Claus. Due to demony influence, most Spanish brats are now so terribly spoiled that they get gifts from Santa AND the Three Kings, thus making the Spanish Toy Industry as strong as the Spanish shoe Industry. Way back when kids were punished for being bad (not like now), bad kids got coal for Christmas from the Three Kings. A modern subtitute is candy coal, which is what the Devil was aiming for when he created Pozuelo. It's still pretty vile stuff, so don't think it isn't punishment.

2 comentarios:

Minister dijo...

Not so sure about the theology, but the statistics and outlook were a load of fun!

Better driving next time, I hope.

Artemisin dijo...

Well, my theology has always been a bit shoddy :) But it's all true: the Devil loves Pozuelo.