Reptilian Humanoids-- true stories

Today's true stories are brought to you by the Reptilian Humanoid Conspiracy to Rule the World and Everything.

Once upon a time, there was a cook in a university cafe. Nobody knew he was a Reptilian Humanoid, and he did his best to keep it quiet. His momma had told him when he was a very wriggly young thing NEVER to break cover, but his Momma never counted on her son's very reptilian attitude towards burgers.

This kitchen, as all University kitchens in Spain, is cleaned only when the health inspector threatens to call some-one's Mommy and tell her about the porn stash under the greasy faucet. Hydrogenated cooking oil has some properties that few people (except for McDo employees) know about. If left on the ceiling or floor for a sufficient number of days (3 or 4 thousand), it turns into petrol. Yep, the undiscovered species of mutant bacteria that live in these kinds of kitchen, are capable of transubstantiating ordinary artery clogger into black gold. I know a few cooks who save money on gas that way.

Anyway, our little cook throws burgers at the pan so that his clients can see how cool he is. He misses once in a while, about once per throw, so that the burger ends up slowly sinking in the mire of oil-petrol half-and-half. Being a reptile with no sensibility towards human health, our little beast scoops up the burger and chucks it in the general direction of the pan. The burger misses by a couple of metres and slowly floats back to the floor on the other side of the pan (burgers float in oil and since the kitchen lacks ventilation, you can just assume that almost 75% of the air is actually artery-clogger. Thus the slowly floating motion of the burger). Unfazed by his repeated failure, the reptile scoops up the burger and chucks it at the pan, missing again. And again. And again.

I don't want to do it. I usually don't kill reptiles anywhere near my University bc a significant concentration of dead greens would eventually tip off the other scalies. But when Mr Yuk places my well lathered hamburger in front of me, I take out my katana and add green goo to the bubbling, mutating mess on the floor.